Hi, my name's Madam Tiste-Sknob, but you can call me Ellie, and I want
to welcome and thank you all for coming to this seminar.

You may not realize it, but you have already accomplished one of the
most difficult parts of the process, and that's saying to yourself "I
don't want to be a Newbie anymore!" and coming to this workshop.

I realize that some of you may have just realized you're in the wrong
room - if you wanted the "Bitter, Table for One" Hugfest, they're
singing Kum Ba Yah and talking about us down the hall at www.lb --
what's that? Oh, thank you...it seems some of you in the back couldn't
hear.

Now, where was I?

I like to begin this seminar by getting to know a few of you. Hello,
you there with the unsightly rash on your forearms and knees...who are
you and why are you here? Now, don't be shy, stand up and speak as
clearly as you can so that we can misquote you later.

"Umm, oh, Okay, my uh name is CareBear, and I, uh...ah, I'm tired
of being a newbie."

Well, thank you CareBear for sharing with us. Now if you'll just stand
there quietly baring your soul to everyone, . . .

Can anyone tell CareBear what his first mistake was? You, in the
back........Yes. Absolutely. Yes that's exactly right.
For those of you that didn't hear, the lurker in the back said that
"CareBear" is a VERY stupid trail name. It brands him, now and
forever as a Newbie. Elite Boxers aren't cutesy with their trail
names. They choose monikers that strike terror into the hearts of
boxers everywhere. So ditch your nimbly-wimbly names and get others.

Thank you, CareBear, you may sit down. Would someone pass him a
tissue, please?

Hi! You there, with the ink on your hands, cheek and thighs. What's
your name and why are you here?

"My name is SUNSH1NEE and . . .I'm tired of being picked on for
asking questions."

Oh dear. It looks like we're going to have to work on your name too.
BUT - let's get right to why you're here.

By a show of hands, who here has heard and espouses the saying
"There's no such thing as a stupid question?" Right, keep your hands
up....you too SUNSH1NEE.

Everyone look around you at all the people with their hands up. THESE
are the stupid people. Yes, without apology, you're all idiots.
Never ... EVER ask a question on the boxing list. That's the quickest
way to identify you as a newbie. All questions on the list will be
deemed stupid by someone - and you'll catch hell from complete
strangers. Here's what you do. Just three words. Everyone have
their pencils ready? Write this down.

Assert - In - Ignorance.

Say it with me....ASSERT....IN....IGNORANCE.

Very good! There are NO rules to letterboxing, so you can't do
anything wrong. When you don't know what to do, whatever you do is
right. This also means that YOUR way is the BEST way. And you may
assert with ignorant confidence that the way you count your Fs and Ps
is the only moral and correct way. So get online and push your way
over the swelling ranks of newbies.

Yes? You in the back with the F10 patch, LBNA sticker, T-shirt, Hiking
Staff and Tupperware tattoo, what's your name and why are you here?

"My name is FUZZI......I mean, uh, GRIZZLYBEAR and I..."

Good recovery there! Go on.

"Thank you, I'm afraid my F count is low because I live in a low
box area. I worry that I'll never pass beyond Newbie because of the
scarcity of boxes in my area."

Everyone, calm down, this is not a problem at all. You can easily
boost your F count. Just go online and make a list of all the missing
boxes - then add that to your F count. No one ever checks. There is
no panel or commission to investigate. Boost that number! You can
also simply take notepad and ink to the local crafts stores and make
impressions of the entire rack of industry made rubber stamps - then
claim you were on a boxing spree in Connecticut. That could easily
push your F count up into the stratosphere. Soon you'll be boasting
F5000 or more!

Okay...one more before we take our lunch break.....

Hello, welcome, the girl on the aisle with the Gothic t-shirt and
funny ears. Who are you and why are you here?

No ma'am, your ears - and hair! - ARE funny but I was speaking of the
woman with the dark blue hair, multiple piercings and black lipstick
behind you.

"Oh, Hi, I'm DEDLYNITESHADE73....and I just get so pissed off at
online idiots sometimes, but I'm hesitant to speak up, because I don't
want to appear mean."

You, sweetness, are already more than on the way to being an Elite.
Fear inducing name and holier than thou attitude will move you quickly
through the ranks.

Oh - please don't smile like that--the chain from your nose ring to
your collar pulls your face lopsided. Anyhoo...we WILL be covering
nom de plumes, false identities and hiding your computer ISP address
in the afternoon session.

So now we'll...

"Hello?"

Yes? May I help you?

"I'm DAISYCHAIN82. I just found out about letterboxing this
morning and was directed to this site to find more information."

Well, DAISYCHAIN82, you're right on time, come right up here to the front.

Ladies and Gentlemen.....Lunch is served.